


Blackness + Fumbling Hands + Too Many Thoughts

by EWM



Series: Whumptober2020  (MyfirstWhumptober!!) [26]
Category: MacGyver (TV 2016)
Genre: Angry Angus MacGyver (MacGyver TV 2016), Emotional Whump, F/M, Gen, Hurt Angus Macgyver (Macgyver 2016), Mac caught in an explosion, Mac is blinded, Poor Angus MacGyver (MacGyver TV 2016), Whump, Whumptober 2020
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:41:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,076
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27218815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EWM/pseuds/EWM
Summary: Mac and Desi face the consequences when a mission goes horribly wrong. Written with the day 26 Whumptober in mind (yes I'm evil)No 26. IF YOU THOUGHT THE HEAD TRAUMA WAS BAD…Migraine | Concussion | Blindness
Relationships: Angus MacGyver & Desiree "Desi" Nguyen, Angus MacGyver & Matilda "Matty" Webber (MacGyver TV 2016), Riley Davis & Angus MacGyver (MacGyver TV 2016)
Series: Whumptober2020  (MyfirstWhumptober!!) [26]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1995484
Comments: 15
Kudos: 38





	1. Chapter 1

It was supposed to have been a simple mission, or as simple as they ever were. Go into a hostage situation, save some kids, stop the bad guys and that was that. They’d be home by dinner time as Jack might have said. But of course, it wasn’t like that. There were hundreds more hostages all over the building than they had initially realised and then there had been the bomb…the bomb, elaborate and crude in equal measure, a mix of broken glass and C4 and nitro-glycerine, poisonous, painful and highly reactive. Mac had his work cut out for him, he and Desi had searched the bottom levels of the building, they were finally getting the hostages out and Desi as always had Mac’s back.

He found the bomb near the heating system on the lowest level, placed discreetly away to cause maximum impact. Mac worked at furious speed, going through all the connectors and triggers, finding each one and disarming them all in turn, Desi as always refusing to leave his side. They were quite a duo even in the worst possible situations, Mac drew tremendous comfort from Desi being there, even if he didn’t admit it to himself, he knew if it went wrong, really wrong, that he wouldn’t be alone at the end. Desi like her predecessor had infinite faith Mac and his abilities and would wait until the last possible second, before pulling out. This would have been a triumph for them and for the Phoenix, if hadn’t been for the little boy…

Yes the boy, he was hidden next to the heating system, under a metal crate, terrified and clutching a ragged looking teddy bear. He was perhaps four years old, Mac’s eyes widened when he registered the tear stained face. Of course, Mac stopped what he was doing and did his very best to coax the boy out, soft words and encouraging gestures and it worked after a few minutes, Mac had a kind face and people tended to trust him. The boy came out of his crawl space and wrapped his arms around Mac tightly. Mac pushed him into Desi’s arms, painfully aware of the precious seconds ticking away, she took the crying child from Mac and looked at him desperately. She didn’t want to leave her partner in crime, but she knew the boy’s safety was the priority, they had to get the hostages out no matter the cost. So against her better judgement, she raced for the door ready to leave Mac alone in a dark room with a bomb.

She might have made it too, all three of them would have, if it hadn’t been for the secondary trigger. Reports later would indicate that it was impossible to see and most likely it had been dislodged when the little boy moved into Mac’s arms, stepping on something, a tiny switch or button. Mac might not have seen it in time, but he heard it, so when Desi turned Mac raced after her wrapping his arms around her and the little boy running as fast as he could to get them away from the blast radius. The explosion was so loud that it knocked out all the communications, it deafened many of the soldiers and nearby freed hostages. It meant there was a delay in finding them under the rubble. When the Phoenix’s teams finally did discover them covered in dust and rubble, there was a worry that it was too late.

Webber gasped when she saw them. There was blood everywhere, Desi had huge cut across her face and a piece of masonry sticking out of her shoulder, the little boy was knocked out cold, covered in bits of stone and rubble and Mac. Mac was the worst of all them, rather than just one piece of rock sticking out of him, Webber could see three spikes in his back and shoulder. There was blood pouring out of him, his hands were red raw and bruised and his face that was the worst. There was at least a dozen little cuts across his face, defence wounds from the shrapnel, there was a huge slice in his head and his eyes, those baby blues that people teased him so much for and adored in equal measure, they were shut, but there seemed to be blood streaks all over them, on them by the sides.

Matty pulled out all the stops to save her team, hell her friends. She made sure they got to the best hospital the country had to offer, the choppers were in the air in double quick time. Mac and Desi would get the best care the country had to offer as fast as Webber could possibly manage it. Still she worried as she watched the choppers depart that she might have been too late. Bozer and Riley were lucky, well if you can call two brokens arms and a sliced open shin lucky. They were treated at the same hospital as their friends and waited at their bed sides, heavily medicated and terrified as they watched this invincible duo fight for their lives.

When Mac woke up a day and a half later, it was dark he thought. He must have woken up during the night, pitch black in fact. He jerked awake registering the IV in his arm and pain on his back. He felt around, looking for a table in order to find a light switch to give him just a tiny bit of context, anything. He hated the blackness, the lack of anything, everything ached and he felt like fool fumbling around in the dark.

_“Mac ?? Mac ! Thank god you’re awake!”_ Bozer cried, throwing his arms around Mac. Mac grinned and groaned at the same time as he felt him being pulled into a tangled up bear hug.

_“Boze, is that you? What happened? Where’s Desi? Is she okay? Can you take me to her? Can you find a light switch man?? It’s pitch black in here. It’s must be the middle of the night”_

_“Mac…I…no it’s not. It’s like three in the afternoon…”_ Boze trailed off, not quite able to finish the sentence

_“Come on Bozer! Stop screwing with me. Boze, switch the light on Boze, where’s Desi? Please switch on the light, I mean it, this isn’t funny.”_

_“Mac I’m serious, man...there’s loads of light in here…your eyes…the doctors. It was the explosion, it was a gas bomb and there was glass, tiny fragments got in your eyes, damaged your cornea or something like that. Look I’ll go get the doctor. I’ll be right back I promise”_

Mac blindly reached out his arm to grab Boze to stop him from leaving, he missed. Suddenly he was alone again. He put his hands up to his face, he registered the bandages wrapped around his eyes with a sinking heart. He registered the massive cut on his head that ran through his hair, he picked up on the tiny cuts on his cheeks and neck. He even picked up on the heavy bruising his hands and the rawness, presumably from the gas from the bomb, he thought. God where was Bozer? He’d been gone a long time, how long did it take to fetch a doctor?? Why hadn’t Bozer answered his question about Desi? Could she be ?? No he couldn’t think like that, he wouldn’t, she would just be in another hospital somewhere, asleep and fine or sore maybe, but that was it. She would be fine, he would see her again, soon, he had to see her again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long for me to update on this one. Mac is told how hurt he really is and goes to visit Desi (Boxer is being awesome throughout)

Bozer stormed back into the room at speed with a doctor following close behind. He wasn’t gone long, he hated leaving Mac on his own with something so scary. But he was also terrified that he couldn’t explain it properly and might end up frightening Mac even more. He found Mac in a mess of blankets, but sitting up having somehow managed to swing his legs around, they were now dangling off the bed, his hands gripping the sides for support. The IV on his right side had been ripped out, the mess of a needle and plastic tubing pushed into the opposite corner of the bed, there was also a blood streak across Mac’s right arm, somethings never change Bozer thought. Mac was looking this way and that, presumably listening to everything around him, his blond hair was tangled above and on the bandages around his face. Although interestingly, he still moved his hand up to brush the hair away, instinct or habit Bozer mused. All in all, Bozer was beyond relieved that Mac was alive it was just bizarre not to see Mac’s eyes super focused on something, his eyes were such a distinctive part of his face, his whole personality, Jack used to tease him saying all he had to do was flutter his baby blues and girls would fall at his feet. Something that always produced deep embarrassment in Mac. Bozer moved forward into the room, the doctor stood next to him, Mac jumped at the sound.

_“Mac it’s me, I brought Dr Givens with me. He’s the main guy at this hospital.”_

Mac’s head turned working out where Boze’s voice was coming from, he jumped again when Bozer put his hand in Mac’s and gave it a quick squeeze. He settled next to him on the bed

_“Mac, I’m right here.”_

Mac smiled gratefully in what he hoped was the right direction

_“Mr MacGyver.”_ Dr Givens added as he stood in front of him. Mac turned his head up registering the doctor’s voice, this guy must be huge Mac thought. Givens then looked around for a second or two, no chairs were close, so he simply squatted down on his haunches, so he was at least vaguely level with Mac

_“You can call me Mac, everyone does.”_

_“Okay Mac. I understand this all must be very scary for you. I don’t know how much your friend Bozer has told you.”_ Mac shifted his head realising the voice was coming from much closer by.

_“Something about glass and cuts in my eyes.”_

_“Yes that is accurate, however it’s more serious that that. The explosion you were exposed to produced mustard gas, yes as in World War One style if you know your history. You’ve had severe exposure and as a result you’ve had swelling around your eyes. We did our best to wipe the affected areas and remove the substance. You’ve also had a number of severe cuts in and around yours eyes, most likely from the miniscule pieces of glass and metal that got released when the bomb went off. One of those pieces got into the back of one your eyes and created a retinal hole. You’ve also got several burns on your arms and legs from the exposure to the gas. We’ve done our best to treat all the wounds, the burns will heal, but we’ll most likely know in a few weeks if the damage to your eyes is permanent. ”_

Mac did his best to stay calm during this speech, the gravity of the situation sinking in and what it could mean, while an image of Desi jumping away from a vast explosion with a frightened child in her arms was spinning around in his brain.

_“Look Dr Givens, thank you for letting me know all this, but…I had a colleague with me. She was exposed too - Desi, is she…okay? And we had a kid with us, was he alright as well? ”_

_“Yes the little boy, He’ll be fine at least physically, some cuts and bruises, but that’s it. He was very lucky to have both of you there. However, mentally we don’t know, he’s not said anything since the explosion so we’ll have to see.”_

Mac’s was relieved but his stomach also heaved a little at this. The kid was okay, he was alive at least. He’d obviously seen something horrible, Matty would take care of it, Mac thought, she’d make sure the boy was looked after.

_“And your friend…. Miss Nyguen. I’ll get to her in a second. But first let’s get back to you Mac, the injuries you’ve sustained are severe. They are recoverable from…. but we have to face the fact the every possibility that your blindness might be permanent.”_

_“With respect, doc. I heard you the first time, can we get back to Desi?”_

Dr Givens sighed at the recalcitrant young man.

_“Very well. Miss Nyugen was not exposed to the same degree as you, but..”_

_“That’s great, can I see her if you get what I mean?”_

_“Mac, let me know finish. Miss Nyugen was not exposed to the gas in the same way. But the falling rock and stones from the building, they…one of the large pieces fell on her head. She’s suffering from severe head trauma and has a swelling in the brain. Mac, I’m sorry, she’s in a coma.”_

Bozer, who had been sitting next to Mac through all this felt a sick feeling rising in his stomach. He’d heard it all already only a few hours ago, but it still seemed unbelievable. And he felt his friend slip on the bed at the announcement, Boze used his hands to steady Mac, grabbing his knee and his shoulder. MacGyver fumbled a little and gripped Boze’s own shoulder and arm in return.

_“Boze, you gotta take me to her.”_ Mac murmured his voice cracking slightly

Bozer started to nod, but then spoke

_“Of course Mac, of course Mac.”_

When the doctor tried to interrupt. Bozer took charge

_“Look Doc, I really appreciate you coming and explaining everything to Mac. Really, but right now can we take a break? I mean he really wants to see, um I mean visit his friend and you can talk with him more afterwards. He’s had a lot to take in and yeah”_

_“I’m not sure visiting Miss Nyugen would be wise for my patient’s emotional state at this point.”_

_“Doctor Givens. I’m sitting right here, I may not be able to see you. But I can hear you just fine! ”_

Bozer interrupted speedily sensing Mac’s temper rising

_“That’s a really interesting opinion, but…look at this way, we’re gonna go visit her one way or another. You can either let us go now in full knowledge and be really helpful and grab that wheelchair in the corner….or not let us go and we’ll just do it anyway later.”_ Bozer finished with a flourish

Dr Givens sighed again. However he did walk towards the corner and get the wheelchair as Bozer requested. Bozer smiled gratefully at the doc and he nodded in response. After that the two friends were left on their own.

_“Mac do you think you can get up?”_

Mac nodded and swallowed. Bozer shifted his hands and stood up so he was directly facing Mac, so when his friend eased himself up off the bed he had something to lean on. Bozer gently pulled as Mac shuffled forwards, offering encouraging words as he went. Bozer backed into the wall, but he guided Mac’s unsure hands to the chair. It was odd to watch MacGyver so uncertain of what he was doing, but Bozer kept up the encouragement, until Mac managed to plonk himself in the chair. He squeaked as he sat down

_“I’m not wearing any underwear and the chair’s cold.”_ He added

Bozer realising how uncomfortable the open hospital gown probably was, grabbed one of the blankets from the bed and wrapped it round Mac as best he could and then wheeled him off. Mac was struck by how loud everything was as they were going through what he presumed was the hospital corridors. He kept the blanket around him, shivering against the air conditioning in the hospital. Then the wheelchair stopped

_“Mac…um we’re here.”_ Bozer added

He opened the door and he pushed Mac inside. Desi was laying there on a bed, a heavy bruise across her eye and a bandage across her head, her normally pristine dark hair a tousled mess on the pillows. Boze swallowed, in a perverse way he was glad Mac couldn’t see this. The sight of her so vulnerable would have driven him mad with guilt or rage or some twisted combination of both.

_“Uhh….Bozer. Can you describe it?”_

_“What?”_

_“The room…I can’t see her. I mean I can hear stuff. But can you tell me?”_

Bozer’s heart sank

“Um…okay. Are you sure?”

“Bozer…please” Mac pleaded

_“Okay. She’s lying on a bed, uh she’s got like respirator. Um she’s got a bandage on her head…um there’s a window. So when…um she wakes up…she’ll get lots of sunlight in the room.”_

Boze left out her the dark circles and the bruises and cuts on Desi’s arms. How thin and tiny she looked to him, Mac didn’t need to know any of that, his mind would probably fill in the blanks anyway.

_“Could you wheel me a bit closer? I…um I want to hold her hand.”_

_“Awww, shit sorry. Of course. I’ll…give you some alone with her. I reckon you know she can probably hear you and I’m sure she’d be super pissed if she knew I was eavesdropping.”_

Mac laughed weakly at Bozer’s joke. Then Boze wheeled him forward, Mac put his hands out and grabbed for the hospital covers and moved his fingers up until he found Desi’s hand, he held her fingers tight in his own. Bozer picked this gesture up and departed shutting the door behind him.

_“Des..I god, I don’t even know what to say. That’s a first isn’t? Me not being able to talk. You’d probably laugh if you could hear me. I mean, maybe you can. Desi…look I’m so sorry. This was all my fault, I’m sorry you’re stuck like this. This is all my fault, I messed up, I guess my famous luck finally ran out. I should had disarmed it faster I know that, I should have.., I should have seen the second trigger. We could have found a way to protect that kid and not get ourselves caught in the crossfire. Desi…I love you, I’m so sorry I got you into this mess. Please wake up. Please wake up…I Desi. Please wake up and yell at me. Anything… I want you to open your eyes…look. You’ll wake up I know, when you do…I might look kind of different…some of the gas…it did something to my eyes…But that’s not important now, you have to wake up…you have to get up and…be fine. Desi…I’m sorry…wake up…Desi…can you hear me? I need you to wake up please…”_

**

_“Mac ??? Mac??? What are you saying? What happened to your eyes? Tell me Mac? This wasn’t your fault you know that right? Tell me what’s happened to you? I’m here Mac, can’t you see that? Can’t you tell I’m right here? I can feel you squeezing my hand. Mac why can’t I squeeze back? I’m telling my hand to do it, but it won’t. What’s happened to me Mac, I can’t remember much from the explosion, am I paralyzed? Come on Mac talk to me…I’m right here. You know you can tell me anything, right? You know that right Mac? Don’t you?? Don’t you??”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another caveat here, I'm not blind. I don't know anyone who is, I've tried to make Mac's lack of sight believable. I do know that blind people have levels of blindness; seeing shapes and colours or light sometimes (or at least that's what I've read). Not everyone is just totally black/can't seen anything. In this story, Mac is completely blind. If I've made any error please don't take any kind of offence. I made it all up.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get trippy as Desi dreams. While Mac reacts badly on the outside as she takes a turn for the worse. The Mac bit of this is super depressing, so if it's not your bag, I suggest you skip.

Desi walked around the empty halls, they seemed very familiar, but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t quite place where she had seen them before. She called out several times, but nobody answered. She also tried several of the doors, however they all seemed to be locked. Finally she found one that opened. Inside there was a ballet studio, with a dozen or so girls all practising on the bar. She shuddered on auto-pilot, her ballet days were not her most fond memories; boredom, constant repetition and ugly outfits. Those were her most dominant take aways from those lessons. She didn’t step inside because she didn’t want to disturb any of them. The teacher seemed very strict, she had a long stick which she flicked over the bars or the girls backs to correct their posture. She recognised the room on some level, like the empty halls, it was only when she looked more closely that it dawned on her. 

This was her ballet studio! Well the one of her childhood, the one where she spent so many hours getting bored! That god damn cain, what a monster the teacher was. As she saw the teacher raise the cain, she raced forward to grab it; not again Desi thought. But then the rumours started to spin and all she could see was swirling blue foam before her eyes. She was convinced she was going to vomit, but thankfully she didn’t. When the spinning stopped, she was in a very different place; army barracks or the back end of them. She could hear a drill sergeant barking commands, tentatively she moved forward. She saw herself again, terrified in army fatigues following orders and desperately trying to keep time. Her first days in the army, again not exactly positive, but at least she was proud of it. She’d come out on top after a ‘dodgy’ start and her parents screams of protest. The strictness of ballet school had been good training for the army Desi thought. Desi sat herself down to watch for a while, she was fascinated seeing her old tiny self from back in the day. She wondered what would happen if two versions of herself could meet, how they would perceive her now?

It was interesting if potentially headache making idea. She wished Mac was here, despite his science background Mac loved the idea of the unknown or the improbable. He always told it wasn’t the ‘unknown’, but the ‘undiscovered’. Mac! The accident! Was he okay? What had happened? How had she ended up here? Why had her head taken her here? Was she supposed to do something? How could she get back or wake up? Desi got up again to try and explore the area, the memory? What was she even supposed to call this place? She walked around the wooden hurts and the parade ground keeping her distance from herself, her old self?? The training area was very much as she remembered it. Green grass, scrub land, a few trees, huts and a screaming sergeant. Why had her brain taken her here??? She continued on; the voice of the sergeant faded as she walked. She didn’t remember the land around the training grounds being this extensive. A crunching noise made her stop (some part of her knew this was mad, this was her own head, why was she freaking out?) Still her mind clicked into gear and she retreated into the emerald covering around her to wait.

Then well she or rather she of over a decade ago came around the corner. It was a very different Desi, the hair was short, shaved and there were no tattoos yet. It was weird seeing herself from another life or the start of this one?

 _“I know you’re there..”_ the other Desi called

Present day Desi still did not move. This was all too bizarre for her.

_“You might as well come out. You don’t have much time.”_

Desi intrigued by the cheesy sounding warning moved slowly out of the bushes and stared. The two women gawped at each other, the same set of brown eyes took in the opposite figure assessing the situation and the opponent.

_“You fancy clarifying??”_

_“You need to get out, get back to now.”_

_“Why are you saying this to me? I know that. I want to get back to now or then or whatever.”_

_“Then why are you still here??”_

_“Because…”_

“ _Because you’re stuck. You’re getting lost in your own head, your own memories. If you stay here too long, you won’t wake up.”_

_“That’s ridiculous…I’m fine. I want to get back...I mean”_

_“Why else would you be talking to me? Well you.”_

_“What?”_

_“I’m a figment of your subconscious. I’m your brain or part of your brain signalling the rest of you to wake up, to depart. Your internal fight or flight mechanism. Who knew you had such a flare for the dramatic? Talking to yourself in the middle of a green field. Mac would love this.”_

_“This is nuts. This is absolutely nuts.”_

_“I’m not disagreeing. That’s why I think it’s time you got out of here.”_

_“What happens if I don’t?”_

_“You realise, you’re arguing with yourself right?”_

_“Answer me please.”_

_“You know the answer. You don’t need me to say it.”_

_“I’ll die.”_

_“Correct”_

_“I’ll die in that hospital bed, I won’t ever see my family or Mac or Riley or Boze or anyone again.”_

_“Again correct.”_

_“Alright, how do I get out of here.”_

_“You see that path. You keep going as fast as you can. You remember sprinting during training, think that but much worse. Keep going as fast you can.”_  
  
Desi looked towards the path her counterpart was point to. It was just more forest and dirt road. She had to run it? Maybe she just ignore this weird warning and go back? How would “running” even work, she wasn’t really running was she?

 _“I suggest you start. They’re coming.”_ Her younger self said

_“What, who are they?”_

Again her younger self pointed. Desi looked in the opposite direction and then she saw “them or they”. Black and grey creatures moving faster and faster towards them, they were eating up the landscape, the training grounds were already gone, the forest behind them was disappearing.

_“What about you?”_

_“I’m you remember. Keep yourself alive and I stay alive. For now just run.”_

Desi turned her back and began to run. She glanced back at one point at the creatures, she saw her younger self pull a gun out of nowhere and start firing around her in an effort to hold “them” off. Then she threw a punch and kicked and then Desi looked to the front again. She didn’t see what happened to her younger self, but she heard a horrible scream. She quickened her pace, her heavy boots pounding against the dirt, she went faster and faster in an effort to try and outrun whatever was coming behind her. It got harder and harder, her heart was pounding. On the periphery of her vision she could see the world disappearing around her, the grey and blackness was catching up to her. She found new surge of energy from somewhere (crippling fear and an existential crisis does wonders) and ran on faster.

**

While Desi ran for her life in her own head. Mac had stayed by her side, he’d gripped her hand and rambled at her. His own injuries and exhaustion took over at one point and he fell asleep; his fingers still intertwined with hers. The beep of the monitors woke him up in the early hours, it was not a good sound. He shouted for help, two nurses and the doctor on call came in ready to calm the hysterical young man and then took in what was happening. Another doctor came up close behind and dragged his wheelchair out

_“Wait! Please what’s happening?”_

Mac only caught snippets of what was said

_“BP dropping…starting compressions…patient going into cardiac arrest…paddles charging”_

Angry and exhausted, Mac pleaded with the porter who was pushing back towards his room.

_“Look Mr… everyone’s doing what they have to do. You need to go back to your room now. The nurse will come along soon to give you a sedative”_

Mac did not appreciate the patronising tone. His head ached with all the noise, new noises he hadn’t categorised yet. He also didn’t like this new doctor whoever he was, his soft voice was irritating, and the pace of his speech sounded off to him. Mac furious at not being listened too pushed himself forward in the wheelchair and put his bare feet on the ground, he managed to stand himself up while leaning on the side of the wheelchair. God the floor was cold he thought momentarily. The action forced the doctor to stop, Mac felt one of his feet twist as he moved around to his best approximation of where the doc was.

_“I’m not going anywhere until you tell me exactly what’s happening.”_

The doctor; sleep deprived and in no mood for hysteria snapped

_“Your girlfriend had a heart attack, the doctors are trying to revive her.”_

_“What? Why? What caused it?”_

_“I’ve got no idea. Now put yourself back in the chair so I can take you back to your room.”_

_“No take me back to her room. I want to know what’s happening. I want to see her.”_

_“See her? How do you think you can help? You can’t do anything for her, and the staff don’t need you on the side lines asking annoying questions and panicking. You’d be useless to her so sit back down. If you don’t, I’ll have to get some of the porters to force you back into the chair and sedate you.”_

Mac was momentarily non-plussed, the words “you’ll be useless to her” ringing in his brain. He wobbled and would have fallen if the grumpy doc had not moved forward to catch him. The doc slowly moved Mac back into the chair and wheeled him to his room. The sounds of the trauma echoing behind them. Bozer had been waiting for Mac in his room, he’d left him with Desi because well he didn’t want to disturb them. He’d fallen asleep in a chair, Mac’s return woke him up

_“Mac what happened? How’s Desi?”_

_“She’s being taken care of”_ the doctor responded saving Mac the trouble of trying to explain

_“I uh...I guess thanks?”_

_“Can you help your friend into bed?”_

_“Sure…sure Mac. Give me your hand. I’ll guide you forward.”_

Mac didn’t move, Boze more obviously gripped his hand and gently pulled him forward. With a little persuading MacGyver tottered/walked forward, his own hand out to feel for the bed. He bumped into it. At that point he managed to get himself onto the bed, Boze pulled up the covers around him. The doctor waited patiently on the side lines, as soon as Mac appeared reasonably comfortable he came forward again

_“Now Mr MacGyver, I’m going to re-insert the IV and give you a sedative to try and calm you. I’ll check on your friend, but the best thing you could do now is to try and sleep.”_

_“No! I don’t want any drugs, anything. Look I’ll be fine. If I can’t see Desi, I don’t care, just no. I won’t take any of it”_

_“Mr MacGyver I really must insist.”_

_“I won’t take anything, I’ll put the IV out”_

_“That’s ridiculous. Come now..”_

At this point Bozer who had been watching Mac snap back at the doctor entered the exchange

_“Hey doc, can I speak with you a sec?”_

_“Not now, you’re his friend? You should be recovering yourself. None of you escaped unscathed.”_

_“What Bozer? Were you hurt? What about Riley? Shit I haven’t even asked about her. Is she okay?”_

_“Mac, we’re fine. Riley’s alright, she’s been sleeping mostly, dozy in and out the last two days.”_

_“God…what have I done?”_

Mac lent back on the pillows and put his hands over his bandaged eyes. He felt like he wanted to cry, but frankly he didn’t even know if he could. This was all his fault, all his friends, his family! They were all in hospital hurt because he hadn’t done his job fast enough. And he hadn’t even checked on them? He hadn’t even asked! God what must Bozer think of him? The doctor was right, he really was useless to his friends; not just Desi. But all of them.

Bozer panicked at this point, he was watching Mac spiral and he couldn’t help. He wanted to get rid of this doctor, he had to help Mac, he had to check on Desi and Riley. But he was so exhausted, his arm ached and the bruises across his legs were starting to make themselves felt. Boze moved forward to try and say something anything, but the doctor beat him to it. He pulled one of Mac’s arms away from him, again Mac fought. He’d meant it when he’d said no drugs, no IV. But the doctor had decided he wasn’t taking no for an answer. The doctor called out for a nurse to come in and yet another medical professional came through the door, pushing Bozer out of the way, then another nurse came through. The two nurses held Mac down tightly while they inserted a new IV into his arm. Mac was furious and frightened at the intrusion and tried to shift his arms and hands up but failed. As he twisted and turned the cuts across back started to sting and his own hands started to throb again. Bozer tried to intervene, to stop them, but he got pushed back and nearly tripped so in the end he was forced to watch from the side-lines.

After a few agonising minutes the IV was in place as was the sedative, but Mac stubborn to his core made to grab it just as he’d promised. But the nurses held his hands in place. He was filled with fury and being manhandled, being so out of control and he was frightened. The idea that he was so reliant on other people, that he couldn’t get himself out whenever he wanted, it was terrifying. His fear was heightened when he felt restraints being put onto his arms and his wrists, he heard Bozer’s furious objections.

_“Guys, hey wait stop! That’s not fair. He’s hurt! No wait, you can’t do that. I’m telling my boss, you can’t treat him like that! You can’t wait!”_

_“Feel free to speak to your boss Mr Bozer. I’ll tell your boss that Mr MacGyver was being difficult and that it was medically necessary for his safety and ours.”_

_“That’s fucking ridiculous! Wait.”_

_“I think it’s time you departed Mr Bozer. It’s very late and Mr MacGyver desperately needs some sleep.”_

_“Wait! Look I’ll be good! I’ll behave! Please! Can he stay? I wait!”_

_“Mr MacGyver. I’m afraid that’s not possible. The sedative will kick in soon and you’ll be able to sleep. I’ll check on your colleague as I said. But now go to sleep. The day team will come by in the morning and remove the restraints. Come now Mr Bozer.”_

_“Fuck that I’m not going anywhere!”_

Despite Boze’s arguing and liberal use of curse words the doctor pushed him out. One of the nurses put the blankets over Mac and pulled the extra one from the wheelchair and put that on him too. He made one last plea to them, but it was ignored. Mac was on his own again. He wrenched at the restraints, but ended up causing himself more pain. Everything around him was very loud; a leaking tap in the corner sink, the clock ticking and his own head. He tried to think, think his way out of this, do something. Mac had rarely felt so trapped in his life. He genuinely didn’t know what to do. His mind was still very much on his own family: Desi’s fate was unknown, he didn’t even know if she was still alive, Bozer was hurt, but hadn’t told him. Hell he should have asked, should have checked, but instead he was just thinking about himself, about Desi and Riley she was hurt too? But how bad? Where was Matty in all this? Part of Mac was grateful Matty wasn’t there, he hated the idea of yet another person seeing him so weak, so vulnerable. His brain was consumed by guilt and confusion and tiredness, he found himself crying. So his eyes did still work at least after a fashion. But crying was painful, the salt from his tears got into the cuts around his face so another part of his body felt horribly raw. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matty arrives after a desperate phone call from Boze to bring her children home and have sharp with words with a certain doctor

Matty Webber did her best to contain her fury listening to Bozer plead with her down the phone. She was horrified by the treatment of all them, the hospital they had been put in was a necessity. Her operatives had all been so badly hurt that moving straight the Phoenix medical facilities back in the states hadn’t been possible. She had had to deal with the aftermath of the explosion and working with the authorities to find who made the bomb. But hearing Bozer explain what had happened to Desi, Mac’s behaviour as well as the doctors horrifying reaction and the fact that Riley with her broken legs had been ignored for days and Bozer still barely cognitive from a serious head injury was trying to fix it made her apoplectic with rage. However none of this was heard on the phone, she gave her to word to Bozer that she would bring them all home and that they would all be treated properly and safely

_“It’s Mac, I’m really worried about. I mean who restrains a blind guy?”_

_“You all need to be taken care of and I give you my word that I’ll do that.”_

Bozer thanked her profusely and put the phone down in the hallway. After trying and failing to see Mac multiple times that evening, he settled back into his crappy hospital bed to wait for Webber to call in the cavalry. True to her word, Matty arrived the following morning (ever the strategist she didn’t turn up at night, she wanted the dressing down to be public). She found the doctor (Bozer had described in detail) at the main nurses station yelling at what Webber guessed was a medical student half his size. Webber was not vindictive woman, but she thought “I’m going to enjoy this.” Webber had stormed through the reception flanked by a set of soldiers and two of her own doctors that she had flown in from the Phoenix Foundation, they were exhausted and little frazzled, but ready to work. She came up behind the doctor

_“Are you Doctor Ralph?”_

The doctor confused by the mysterious voice looked around and down and saw her and the soldiers and the two civilians

_“May I help you?”_

_“My name is Commander Webber, you’re holding four of my people here.”_

_“Ahh, you’re with the Phoenix Foundation, from the explosion? Holding is a bit extreme, we’re treating them. ”_

_“Yes my people were injured in the explosion and I think holding is exactly the right description. I’m here to take them home.”_

_“I’m afraid that’s not going to possible. None of them are well enough to be moved.”_

_“According to you and I have some serious doubts about your medical opinions. Thus I’ve bought two doctors from our Foundation to check on them and their medical status.”_

_“That’s not necessary. They aren’t well enough to be moved.”_

_“I don’t think you’re hearing me. These nice doctors are going to examine them and if they deem them well enough, they’ll be removed and treated at home.”_

Dr Ralph did not like being talked down too (ironic considering how often he used it as a tactic). His fuse blew in spectacular fashion, much to Webber’s glee

_“What the hell do you think you’re doing coming into my hospital? Making demands of me? What right have you got to do that?”_

_“I’ve got every right. The welfare of my people is at risk. I brought them to this hospital with the understanding that they would be treated properly and now I want them out of your care. ”_

_“According to who? Who’s been saying they’re at risk? What evidence have you got for this shameful unfounded intervention”_

Matty not willing to rat Bozer out responded

_“Is it not correct that one of my people was forcibly restrained last night?”_

_“Him? He spoke to you? For God’s sake, he was being difficult and impeding a medical emergence.”_

_“Being concerned for the life of his colleague and asking for an explanation is hardly impeding a medical emergency.”_

_“Refusing to leave the room and demanding to be allowed to stay even though he can’t do anything because he’s blind and can barely walk is.”_

Matty took a few deep breaths

_“His injuries are not his fault, you should have acted with more compassion.”_

The doctor snorted at her

_“My job is to save lives, not coddle people.”_

_“He’s in a vulnerable state and needs some help, didn’t that cross your mind? He should be helped and treated with care.”_

The doctor glared at her, Matty glared back. She would not budge, she would remove them either way so he might as well give in and let her and her people do her work. Webber had a way with words. She was never rude or discourteous, but in this context her words came out like wiped steel. Eventually the doctor capitulated and gestured to where Mac’s room was and stormed off. The medical student who had stayed and listened to this interaction came up to her and smiled, she told her where the others were being kept (it had all changed since Webber had seen them admitted only a few days before). The student even offered to help look at the patients. So Webber nodded and sent her off with phoenix docs telling them to split up and check on all and get them ready to get out of here. They went to see Riley and Bozer,. Bozer was ecstatic if a little wobbly and bent down to hug Matty as soon as she entered. Riley who had been doped on heavy painkillers for three days just nodded at them and then consequently fell asleep again. Webber was disturbed by her confused state. The doctors both had several concerns as well, Riley’s medication was in fact far too heavy and Bozer should have had more care (no head scans or CT’s had been ordered). Desi was just about in stable condition, but if they were going to move her it should be soon. After all three of them were taken care of and the paper work put in motion. She headed to Mac’s room. She hadn’t meant to leave him until last, but getting the other three ready took far longer and she wanted to make sure…well it was one of the many times in her life that Webber wished she could be in multiple places at once. She headed inside putting on her best calm face, ready to reassure him and hopefully make him smile. 

He was asleep, the sight of him still shocked her. Boze’s graphic description of the restraints had be right on the money. She was horrified at how much could change in just a few days. Matty had seen him when he first got there and if anything he looked slightly worse. His skin was pale, the cuts and bruises from the explosion now looked more virulent. His body was in a bizarre contorted position as well as if he’d tried to wrench himself out of the restraints, but fell asleep half way through. A nurse hovered near the door

 _“Keys for the restraints now!”_ Matty snapped

He pulled the keys out of his pocket and bolted. She walked over to Mac and undid the restraints and squeezed his hand

_“Mac…Mac, it’s time to wake up. It’s Matty”_

He bolted up in a fashion that made Matty think he’d actually been awake for a while. His first act was to feel around his wrists and yank out the IV. Matty supressed a snigger, old habits die hard

_“Matty…I, is that you? Are you really here?”_

_“Yes Mac, I’m getting you all out of here. We’ll make sure you all recover and are treated properly back at the Phoenix.”_

_“So Boze called you then.”_

_“Yes…he told me everything that happened and he’s right. None of you should be here, I should have brought you all home immediately. But…the important now is to get you all home and for all of you to get well again.”_

_“Matty…I’m sorry…I’m sorry I….”_

_“Whatever for Mac?”_

_“I screwed up. I should have spotted the second bomb and disarmed it. If I had none, of us would be in this mess. If I had done it properly.”  
_

_“Mac, this isn’t your fault. You did what you had to. You disarmed one of them and saved that boy. You and Desi saved a lot of people.”_

_“Desi…is she?”_

_“Her medical condition is the same. But we’ll make sure she’s back at the Phoenix so_ (Matty just about stopped herself saying if) _…when she wakes up, she’ll be in comfortable, familiar surroundings.”_

_“What about her parents? Her brother?”_

_“I’ll call them when we return to the states, they’ll be able to visit her. I’m sure hearing their voices can only help.”_

_“This is all my fault.”_

“ _None of this your fault! None of it! Put those thoughts out of your mind. The main focus for you now is recovery.”_

_“Recovery…mmmh, yes.”_

_“What Mac? You’ve been seriously hurt. Recovery is going to take some time.”_

_“What about the others? Bozer and Riley?? They were hurt and I didn’t even ask”_

_“Bozer has had a head injury but has been deemed well enough to travel. Riley got in a worse scrape; both her legs are broken. But…now wait Mac, it sounds worse that it is. Broken legs are horrible, but the breaks are clean. She’s going to have huge casts for a while and some physical therapy. She’ll be fine.”_

_“As opposed to me, who’s…”_

_“Mac, you’ll get better. All the injuries will heal in time.”_

_“Even my eyes?”_

Matty paused and Mac picked upon it

_“Exactly, what happens if my sight never comes back? What good am I then?”_

_“Mac, I don’t know what will happen over your eyes. I’m not a fortune teller. But one thing I do know for sure. You will never ever be useless, ever. The Phoenix will always have a place for you.”_

_“Not as a field agent.”_

Webber sighed, Mac was right of course. If he was blind permanently, his field career was over

_“One thing at a time Mac. First thing get dressed and get cleaned up. I’m bringing all of you home. The world will seem better once we’re back in L.A. Just focus...just think on that. I can get Bozer to come in here and give you a hand if you like.”_

Mac balked at the comment, needing help even from Bozer made him feel ashamed. Matty had been right, when she’d come in he’d been awake from a while and had a good yank at the restraints. He hadn’t fallen asleep, he’d simply given up. He’d heard her whole interaction with the Dr Ralph “vulnerable, injured, needs help, treated with care.” All the phrases made him shudder internally. He wasn’t angry at Matty, on the contrary he was happy that she was here to bring them all away from this place. However the very fact that she even needed to do that…being so helpless was an alien feeling to Mac. He was the one who helped other people, the one who always found a way. He didn’t really know how to process being so… weak, well that wasn’t quite true. He’d been helpless before; when his mom had died, when his father had gone. During all those times he had to rely on himself and he had pulled through and it had all turned out alright. Now? He was really stuck, trapped even. Trapped in blackness unable to do anything or help anyone. God if Desi didn’t wake up, he’d never forgive himself, she would have died because of him…because of his failings, she would be another person he had lost because he hadn’t done his job properly and…

_“Mac are you hearing me? Shall I get Boze to come? I can give you some peace if you like if you would prefer to this by yourself?”_

_“Bozer would be great Matty. Thanks very much.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts on my Matty Webber - I've had so much fun writing her, let me know if you think I'm doing it right!
> 
> Again over Mac, I think Mac would be terrified of being this vulnerable and would see him self as useless at this point and would be quite angry at himself and well everything. 
> 
> Let me know if you think everything is mean/offensive/ off in terms of character. I welcome feedback!


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